Dear Everyone,

I'm sorry for always being depressing when I post. This will probably be the last post I have for awhile because I'm starting to get tired of my own life. I know you are all probably sick of having to deal with me as well. I find again I can't fall asleep because the more I think about my life the more I begin to hate myself. I constantly amaze myself with how much of a fuckup I have become. After promising myself that I would always be the best I could I find myself every night going to sleep in tears or with some form of self doubt. Maybe I set my goals to high, my dreams to lofty, to assume that anything good could ever happen.

Sometimes life sucks. I guess that is the main lesson that I've learned. No matter how good of a person you try to be, no matter how hard you try to be liked, life will always fuck you over in the end. Maybe it's just destiny that good people fail in life. Hard to say that when I see so many good people do well but I have always tried my fucking hardest and still life just continues to downpour on me. It's getting to the point where I don't know how much more I can handle.

I've found myself becoming a worse person. I don't know how to describe it but I just feel like I'm making bad decisions to help compensate for everything that has happened. I don't know if this makes me a terrible person or just someone trying to deal. I sometimes wonder to myself what the fuck am I doing. I find myself totally lost and in this society sometimes making bad decisions means being more accepted. It is a weird culture we live in and I don't know if I can accept it anymore.

College is hard, you start to take real lessons in life, not just the things you learn in the classroom. I guess that is what makes me a bad person, my inability to deal with life. In the classroom I know I am the best, but out in the real world I am just so confused. My hope in human nature if faltering with each drink I take, with each random hookup I see, with each drunken girl getting in trouble for walking alone. Maybe some people just weren't meant to be in this world. It is a weird idea but some of us may just be too idealistic and hope for the best. This world doesn't allow for that. We learn as we get older to accept the worst in every situation and to accept that there are bad people who will do bad things. That's a sad world, one I'm not sure I want to live in. Though were not really given a choice, we are born into this failure of society. A failure where the good die young, the bad are for some reason popular, and progress is seen as a dream. It is a sad place we live in and I'm not sure how long it will take me getting used to. I've tried to live my life the best but in the end I just find myself continually wishing that I was fine with things being worse. It's a bad view but it is what I have come to expect.

This world sucks, it's pretty obvious. We allow for no change though so forever the good will go on as people who have tried and failed and I will be one of them. At least I hope I can go down as a good person, because if the end comes I just need to be fine with myself and then these tears will finally be worth it.

As the end comes to probably the most significant part of all of our childhoods, it has led me to begin to reflect, and also look forward. And I can't even begin to describe how freaked out I have become. It probably didn't help that just a day after Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 2 is released that I receive a letter saying it's time to get my license renewed for the big 21.

Now I know most of you (other then the nice random people reading this) are going, "Josh, afraid of his 21st? He must be kidding." Now I would be lying if I was to say that I am not beyond excited about becoming 21 and finally enjoying the freedom that I had to sneak around or leave the country to get previously. The thing I'm worried about is what happens past all that. I really hope that 21 doesn't change me as it has seemed to change most of my friends. I feel like me being the classical "party" kid in our group will benefit me as I don't really see my life changing too much after being 21 alcohol wise. I have always had access to parties and alcohol (ironic that I'm writing this on a Saturday night, i know) so maybe after my birthday things will be normal still.

What after that though? I hate to sound cheesy but the future truly does freak me out. I know it is ridiculous that something such as the end of Harry Potter could inspire it but I know many of you are lying to yourselves if you didn't feel something after it all ended. There just seems to be so little that I can recall from my childhood now to look forward to still in the future.

It seems that our group of friends has all moved on. Being the last one here in my subdivision in Farmington is just sad and a little scary. I had plans to be in another state this entire summer but now that I'm home it amazes me about how empty everything feels. I used to be just a short walk or drive to a large group of friends and now it seems like I have to take trips to Ann Arbor just to see a decent group. It isn't helping that I barely feel right at home. This absolutely has been driving me mad as my fear of the future has been clashing with my desperate desire to be out of this house.

Once I do make it out of here its off to my senior year of college. Now how scary does that sound. I can still remember when we all got these LiveJournals when we were still high school sophomores (or earlier for some of you) and now here we are just one year away from potentially heading into the real world. I still look back at my old entries and long for the time when my only worries were finding a date to homecoming and finding a date that worked for everyone for Feinberg Slip 'n Slide. I guess that could be apart of my problem is that I like to look back and live in the past and think of how much more sure I seemed of things then and the future just becomes that more worrisome.

Then what of the future after that. Studying for the LSATs has been a basically failed attempt for me with work constantly making me tired. I took my first practice test without studying and did well but what if I can't pull this off. I know it is insane to worry about not getting a good score on a test that I still have nearly 3 months to study for but it just throws even more of my future into uncertainty. I still don't know what is driving me from this massive fear of doing something computer related for the rest of my life and what is driving me towards law school. Part of me thinks I'd be really good at law, and it has always interested, but I also worry that maybe the desire to take the LSAT comes with my hope that I will have more time to avoid the future and have a few more years in school to figure out life. Problem with this is it would be the most expensive self-reflection I think one can have.

Still, even without law school, what next? I hope that my career drives me to the west coast, something I have been dreaming of for years, but now I worry about all that. If I'm so afraid of life right now where I'm a short ride from finding friends if needed, how will it be when I have to basically start life over again in a place nothing like where I've lived before. I can't have another first semester of college where I find myself wishing for it to be over and wanting nothing more then to come back home. And what if my dream collapses and I can't find myself in these dream jobs I have held hope onto for years? After two straight summers and failing to get an internship I find myself doubting my skills. I know I am good at what I do, very good in fact, but it scares me that I can't show everyone else that I am.

And what of life? You all have gotten to enjoy the ups and downs of my personal life and I fear of what the future holds for it. I can only continue so long looking for solace in some punk rock song while throwing my feelings onto livejournal. I thought I had everything figured out but planning for the future is yet another fear I have for it due to the impossibility. My epic believe in fate has come to a crash and I don't know how to proceed. Perhaps we are just too young to worry about all this, but seeing my friends get engaged, married, it just scares me that I'm so ready for all that but have no idea what is going to happen with it all.

So maybe I worry for nothing, just my usually knack for planning everything just has to take a break and let everything go. I still will worry, but were getting older and I don't know how to stop that yet so maybe it's just time to take everything day by day.

And I find it amusing that the last song playing when I finish this post is Yellowcard - Be The Young

this is loud
this is cold
this is endless
and i know
growing up has just begun
but there's a place we can find
where this pain is useless
we'll forever be the young

Seriously when did my family decide that they should get to tell me how to run my life. They currently have two children who have no direction in their life and in fact one is living at home just a few days shy of 28.

My mom is proving to continue to be the worst person for my mental health. The fact she even tries to tell me what to do drives me insane. Today she was even making up stuff that I said to try and prove her point. Its like she wants me to be upset in life. Look at your daughters who are both currently single, have no direction in life, and you think I should be like them.

Haven't I done enough to prove myself to my parents. I mean, I had the highest ACT scores, got the most scholarship money, and got Dean's List...unlike my sister who was on academic probation for part of her school year. And my mom even dares to say to me that I'm taking the LSAT just so that I can do better then my sister. I mean, you've got to be kidding me, if you seriously think I'm taking 4 hours of my life and all the time I'm going to be studying to prove to my sister I'm better then her then you really have a messed up view on life. I think I've already done that by continually getting better grades, better test scores, and doing better in college...and you know, the whole not still living at home at the age of 28.

When did the world become about doing what we should and not what makes us happy. I mean if this is what religion is supposed to teaching us then fuck it. I love being Jewish, I want my family to be Jewish, but if I'm expected to do things the "Jewish" way then screw tradition. Love is about love, happiness is about being happy, fuck everyone else that says otherwise. If doing things the "Jewish" way involves being 28 and still being a spoiled brat then I'm keeping my family as far away from that.

I guess this is what I get for being the motivated child who just wants to be happy, disapproval from my family.

"I can't get my footing steadied in all of this
I'm always ducking swings or looking over my shoulder
When I should be making progress
This is the shit that they don't teach you how to deal with
Like an army of self-righteous kids that only like the 7 inch
I'm putting miles between myself and this bullshit"

Turns out Farmington Hills sucks. Who knew?

I mean, I figured it wouldn't be as good as past summers, but this has reached a new level of boring. As a note, since I've started reading/watching movies this break 13 days ago my current stats are:

8 books
6 movies
5 seasons of The Office
1 season of Party Down

Yes, I am being completely serious. There has been literally nothing to do in this town and it is killing me. Currently everyone seems out of town or not wanting to do anything. Even when I make plans they seem to end up dying due to the lovely interest of drinking.

Speaking of drinking, seriously people, we get it, your 21, that doesn't mean you have to drink every night. Its absolutely pathetic. I'm speaking about one person in particular who ever since they've turned 21 I've wanted to go and personally shoot them for how much they've gone out. I get that you are all legal now, but it's not like that stopped most of us before. If you can't find stuff to do without drinking then 1) get new friends and 2) figure out stuff to do with out drinking. We've gone 20 fucking years of not being able to legally drink so obviously it's not that hard.

So I may just head back to Bloomington. There's apparently nothing left for me in Farmington Hills and at least I'll have people to hang out with back in Btown. I'll be back for July and August but then back down for school August 10th or so. Then just a few more weeks after that then I can turn 21 and we'll see if I become a hypocrite.

Don't hold your breath for that one though.

Thank god for the start of little 5 so I can just get really drunk and stop caring about everything so much for just a little. I know that's absolutely logic but sometimes it is just so much easier to stop caring when your not sure if your body can't take anymore. Everyone has been worried about me recently and I know I may sound needy on here but I really don't like to have people worry about me. So here is to an epic week of partying and living life so hopefully I never have to worry about not having a smile on my face.

So lets start off with formal...I though Nodge's story was pretty epic and stuff like that would never happen at my formal. Little did I know I guess, and after party hoping from room to room, having a girl go missing in St. Louis, riding a wheelchair around a floor while some random girls push me around, my phone being bitch slapped and deleting everything, date swapping, and nearly three tickets for me I may have to define this as the greatest formal I never want to have again. My date was epically terrible though we went as just friends basically everyone there hated her. Glad karma's working out and shes currently pursuing a guy whose a huge jackass to her.

I learned how much I love and hate my fraternity. We got to have one of our alumni come to our formal and it was always nice to see him. His fiance also joined us and since he's been away at military training we only got to see so much of them :p. This weekend I got to see one of our alumni who came down from Chicago and party with him. He was the first alumni who left after I joined and it's always great seeing him despite him being a blackhawks fan. As for current members, most people that I dislike are starting to leave and despite it killing our size I'm much more content having a fraternity that I love all the guys in then worrying about our size. Formal was an amazing time despite my date because of all the guys. And just the start of little 5 yesterday, starting with getting woken up at like 1 to start drinking, spending the entire day with the guys, going to a concert planned by another one of my brothers, then party hoping through the night. I've really stopped caring what everyone else thinks of us, cause in the end I love this fraternity and that's all that matters.

So anyways, personal life still a wreck, school mostly awesome, summer plans still in epic jumble, and fraternity improving. Life is going good, just a few more problems to figure out and it will be hard to see me without a smile.

"Tell mommy I'm sorry
This life is a party
I'm never growing up "

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday

okay, now that i've got that past me...onto everybody's favorite livejournal updates!! its 3am on friday and for some reason I can't fall asleep after about 20 levels of angry birds and an epic rampage on unreal tournament so I decided I'd update you all on my life.

So anyways, I'm currently on spring break. It couldn't have come at a better time after the epic stress of this semester. Can't wait to just be done with it, then onto two more easy semesters and then of to this crazy thing we call the real world.

I guess well start off with a school update because I haven't done one of those in forever.

P436 Operating Systems - I figured I was going to enjoy this class and damn was I right. I really have found myself beyond interested in almost everything we've talked about and have found the programming assignments extremely "fun" though kind of hard. Got our midterms back where I got a lovely 63%...the highest grade in the class!!!! I was so pumped, though my teacher was extremely annoying that our class average was a 47% but it's all good because I got the highest so yay for me. I find it sad knowing that I really only have two more programming assignments left in my entire computer science career. I know thats extremely nerdy to say but it's one of those places where I have always felt most comfortable and now it's almost over unless I decide to take some programming elective. Oh well, I guess that's what they mean by growing up...or something like that.

B403 Introduction to Algorithms - Turns out this class is offered both semesters, one is algebra based, the other calc. Guess which one I was lucky enough to sign up for? So anyways, after struggling my way through the first 6 weeks or so it got to the point where I just needed to give it up. So for now, no more study of algorithms. Seems kind of cruel that a 400 level class is an introduction class.

I201 Math Foundations - I swear to god my teacher is going to kill our entire class. We all sit in a lecture hall for about 100 even though theres only 20 of us and chat and play games while he "teaches". Our teacher is foreign and for some reason never has to stop and basically talks for the entire hour. Luckily the class is easy, scored a solid 98% on the midterm without even knowing when it was (that morning me: "I think i'm going to skip class because it's raining", jordan: "Didn't you have some test or something this week", me after looking at my schedule: "Crap, I have a midterm in an hour"). Hopefully the streak of easiness continues in the class, even if the level of boringness exceeds health levels.

I210 Introduction to Programming - With a class title like this do I really even need to tell you how well I'm doing in it. Amazingly my lowest midterm grade with a 95% only because I forgot to do part of it so shame on me. I gave myself a half hour to do the midterm because I made plans for afterwards so had to kind of rush to finish in 32 minutes. Anyways, if I keep pace on the homework assignments and tests I need a solid 65% on my final to score an A. Going to be tough but I think I can do it.

Y391 Internship - As expected, this has been an awesome experience. To recap, I work with the Boys & Girls Club of Bloomington providing an enrichment program to the students. They all love me and Brittany (the other instructor) and really seem to be enjoying it. We are also supposed to be redesigning their website but so far that has just been a huge hassle and very unorganized so well see how that all goes.

So school is finally going well. Dropping 403 was the best decision I've made and have been way happier. I've been able to balance my schedule a lot more and get my work done and still have plenty of fun time on the side.

As for fraternity life, I am glad I am almost out of it because running my fraternity has been a giant stress ball on my life. Luckily it can sometimes be worth it when we have such events as "President's Party" where all us presidents from IFC and Panhellenic got together and partied. It was extremely fun and showed that even us "little guys" can still be fun and let everyone got to know each other better. So as long as my fraternity is partially surviving I'm going to mark this presidency as a win.

About this whole growing up thing, I'm not liking it at all. I interviewed with a few places and have yet to hear back from any of them. Apple was an extremely lucky draw and have no idea if that is going to pan out. Facebook I know I could get the job if I just applied myself a little bit more but I think it may be too late for all that. ESPN has proved to be the most annoying because it has now been over a month since I interviewed and they won't contact me back. I've tried calling only to get voicemails and sending emails only to get no response. I really don't care if they say no at this point, I'd just like to know.

Personal life time, everybody's favorite part of my entries I'm sure. As for an update...I have no idea. LIke honestly, I really have no idea what is going on in my beyond drama filled life. My mom asked how it was and I must say even trying to explain it to my family I must have sounded crazy. It's currently causing a massive problem because of my fraternities formal coming up in a couple weeks and I find myself still dateless. No fear though because one day I'll man up and finally ask someone, it almost feels like I'm reliving prom season. Though this time around instead of just one girl I want to ask, I wish I could have like a million formals so I can figure this all out...also a Sadie Hawkins style would be nice too.

As for my spring break it's been pretty uneventful though that is kind of what I was hoping for. Started off saturday hitting up Ann Arbor for a classy Wine and Cheese party. Didn't know I was going to have to dress us so after finding a bunch of clothes I didn't even know I still had and borrowing some from my dad, I made my way looking professional...wearing my tennis shoes. Party ended up being anything but classy thanks to the ultimate shit show that occurred. I had an enjoyable time watching everyone else get drunk while I casually enjoyed my wine. Got to watch my favorite show (Brian Can't Close...new episodes every week) and see some unexpected people really drunk. At the end of the night I offered to drive some girls home and I always enjoy that. They thought I was like the nicest guy in the world and at the end of the night made me promise I'd come see them again ("Josh, you can't say we'll never see you again. Do you really want to ruin my night?"). Oh freshman but still always nice to feel some love.

Today being St. Patricks day I of course celebrated in the festivities. Got to to my first bar in the states as far as I know and ended up being a good time. It was interesting hanging out with all my sister's friends and drinking at a bar with her. Was awesome of her to invite me though so massive props to her trying to rebuild this whole thing we call a family. Going to be nuts next year with all three kids being in college though I guess it could be worse for my parents.

So I think that's it, or I hope that's it because I think I'm finally getting tired and I've run out of things to write. I deeply apologize to my GVSU friends that I promised I would make it up to campus but it doesn't look like that will happen. My weekends have just been filled with fraternity messes/events and full of crazy gas prices. I will try and see you all this summer when I hopefully know what my deal is.

"And I've been messed up but oh you got here just in time

You saved my life, and I don't ever think I'd find the words to say"

Sometimes all it takes is a few words to make everything feel better.

I think the most powerful sentence in the english language is "its okay". It provides the best comfort for any situation. Whether or not the person is lying if someone says that to you you really believe that everything will end up okay. And it is true that everything will be okay. You may not want to think about it but life comes and goes and things will be okay. The little things threaten to swallow us whole but trust me, if someone is holding you and says "its okay" there is no way that you can possible think it wont be.

This weekend was an interesting one. I think I'm going to mark it in a new chapter in my life.

Friday's continue to be my favorite day, not only cause its friday but it definitely allows for a solid transition into the weekends ahead. I start off my day with Operating Systems which is proving to be a fun class despite its insane difficulty. I also like the majority of the people in the class so it always is nice for just the conversations. Computer Science people aren't usually the best conversation but luckily I've met a few of the normal ones.

Then I continue onto lunch with one of the brothers, Ty. I am so glad I got to be good friends with Ty. It's weird thinking how scared I was of him during rush, but if you met him you'd get the idea why. It's so nice having someone to talk to and we just discuss anything. We've been doing lunch now for the entire year and its always nice. Him being an older brother it has been great to have someone to chat with about everything. He considers himself my step-big and I'm glad for that cause with how far apart I've always felt from this fraternity it's nice to have someone who gets it that I can always talk to. These lunches always provide a good end to the week before the hectic fraternity life that is the weekend comes on.

Then I continue onto my other class which is a simple lab for Foundations of Mathematics. I've made some great friends in that class, definitely helping to provide the Greek unity with my friends being 2 AEPis, a Sammy, and an ADPi. Speaking of that ADPi, this shall definitely prove to be interesting but shes definitely cute and an interesting personality. Of course theres the problems with all that, but well see what happens.

Then comes the actual weekend which this one definitely proved to be the definition of interesting. Friday night we went out to a concert for a band managed by one of our brothers. Show ended up being awesome and they weren't id'ing meaning it was definitely one hell of a night. After the pregamming, drinking at the show, then drinking a bit afterwards, passing out was wayyyy more then welcome.

Saturday will forever live as the worst/best night I have ever had. I was stuck on security for our party seeing as formal rush was that day and we wanted the new guys to be able to speak to the president if they wanted. Met a lot of good guys so I'm really excited to see how well rush is going to go because we desperately need a good one. One of our traditions is to sing, and some of our songs can be deemed a bit...inappropriate to say the least. We've only had one girl since I've been here complain and this time a girl decided the best solution was to pepper spray one of the brothers. Yep, so my first drama of the night.

As a side note: Whenever I have been head of security for our parties, something has gone wrong. Meaning something like the pepper spray was basically to be expected. Following that she sprayed the pepper spray in the air causing a lot of people to have to go outside to try and recover. Then for the rest of the night involved getting some girls off the bar, getting more girls off the bar, our speakers literally blowing a window broken, along with many other random instances that people were worried I was going to explode. It was by far the most stressed I have ever been with having to make sure security was running fine, meeting all the new rushes, as well as trying to have my own social life. The end of the night caused me to have a massive breakdown only helped by one of my favorite people Alley just hugging me and letting me know that everything is okay.

Then comes the great runs to Steak N Shake...amazingly located only a block away. Definitely always a good time especially with us taking up 5 tables and our continual switching of chairs annoying the server. Then out of nowhere these two girls walk in who I happen to know and everyone is just staring as I start talking to these girls. Definitely had fun stealing them from some Beta and everyone there with me was like amazed that I had actually pulled it off. It would have been a solid end to the night but definitely was far from it. By now it was nearing 5AM so after dropping off the Beta pledge (hey, I'm still a nice guy even when stealing girls from someone haha) I proceed to try and get them all home. So after getting two home I picked up another girl who I'm so glad I met. We ended up clicking so well and as I was dropping her off she told me "there needs to be more guys like you. You're smart, fun, nice to talk to, and really cute. It amazes me that your single." If someone saying that to you doesn't brighten your day then you have something wrong with you. After all the stress of that night it was exactly what I needed. Finally it was off to get Kelly home and that was an interesting experience. By the time I got home it was about 6:40 and I was ready to collapse in bed thinking about how stressed I was but how my life had suddenly become on an epic upswing.

Monday hit hard with news of one of our brothers breaking up with his girlfriend. Truly something everyone expected but no one thought it would happen at the same time. I spent the morning with him and took him out to eat and made sure he was okay before I left for class. He was taking it real hard but it was nice to know the first person he looked for help with is me. I haven't been too good at this breakup stuff but just chatting with him has been good for him I feel. And good for me too. I've been put epically in the middle of this breakup but I'm glad that everyone seems to trust me. A big difference from how I would feel a few years ago.

Now this week has gone with the never ending news of the giant snow storm that seems to have taken over this country. I got to go skating down a hill today thanks to our lovely 1.5" of ice that we got including a half-ice day. Spent the rest of the day as any college kid should and finished it up with this lovely post. I'm at such a high right now and I don't see it stopping anytime soon. Theres always that little elephant in the corner that occasionally takes over my mind but right now the balls not in my court and I'm happy to enjoy my life while they figure out theirs.

"I started out in the last slow motion scene, watching everyone change, made a map of the one way road from here, had no reason to stay...I am awake and alive, there is something calling me, more than a moment in time, it’s a dream i’m following on my own" - thank god only another month till the new Yellowcard drops

You've got sadness twisted up with jealousy
You show your fists to make them look like loyalty
And I have seen what holding on can take away
If it's the past you love then that's where you can stay

Desperation kills
But when it's on your sleeve you wear it well
Underneath it all you'll always have this war inside yourself

Can you hear the crowd? They all go wild
For you and your denial
They're watching you break down (break down)
Hate me all you want, I'll be okay
I'm half the world away
I'm letting you go now (go now)

Where the hell was this song a few months ago...though something tells me its not going to stop being on repeat for awhile.

Anyways, what up LJ peoples? Hope the semester is going well for you all. So far thanks to MLK day I have no idea how this semester is going to go. Day gave me a lot of free time to catch up and caused one of my classes to be cancelled today. So far my thoughts on class go like this:

P438 Operating Systems: hardest class by far (professor even told us this) but a topic I'm extremely interested in so well see how it all goes. FIrst assignment was beyond easy but I'm sure its not going to stay that way. Professor is pretty awesome as well

B403 Algorithms: A class I was hoping would be beyond easy proved to have the hardest homework. Mostly because we only had one day of real class and then he gave us this homework assignment that said "use what we've learned in class" and I recognized none of it. Oh well, hope for the best and hopefully this shouldn't be too hard, just time consuming

I201 Fundamentals of Math: Yay for an epic joke of a class. Already had to take the Computer Science version of this so I'm basically doing the same thing over again. Lecture would be nap time if I didn't know so many people in the class. No one pays attention so we just basically chat and play games on our phones

I210 Introduction to Python: Yay other epic joke of a class. Did the first assignment + extra credit in a total of ten minutes. Not going to get any harder for me either. Lab is from 650-840 on thursdays though and required so thats going to be a pain. Going to ask the teacher if I can get out of them because I obviously don't need any more time to do my homework.

I391 Internship: I get to work for the Boys and Girls Club. I am beyond excited for this opportunity. My team gets to help them with all their technology needs so should be really fun. I got an awesome group and we get to help such an amazing organization. When they first announced these opportunities I knew instantly I wanted to get involved and luckily I was chosen. I also get to work for them next year if I chose and get paid instead of credit so this should be awesome.

So lots of time killers and over all a chance for an awesome GPA seeing as I391 isn't involved with my GPA, I201 and I210 which are 7 credits are instant A's and my computer science classes should go well so time to hope for the best. I have the option to graduate early but well see what happens with that.

As for personal life, being president is extremely stressful but I think it's allowing me to step out of my shell. I'm finally making decisions and sticking to them and asserting myself more to other people when I need to. Its an interesting change in my normal personality so well see how it goes. The chapter is in shambles so it will be an interesting rush to say the least. At least I know that 95% of the guys are completely behind my back, the other 5% isn't even worth bothering with. Greek life here is also about to get real interesting with the death at Phi Sig (http://idsnews.com/news/story.aspx?id=79255)

I like having friends at IU now. I can just remember the days when I couldn't wait to transfer out but now I can't wait to be here when I leave. I was riding the bus the other day and over the course of the bus ride ran into a ton of people and had some good conversations. All over campus I feel like I finally belong (not like Nodge level though hah) and its great to have people to turn to. I still love everyone from back home, its just nice to know I finally have a place here.

And as for my real personal life, I think the song sums it up the best. But as I've been telling everyone, ask me tomorrow, cause who knows

One thing I was lucky to be blessed with was a great imagination.
Another was the time given to me to think.
Together I'm worried this may be the worst curse.

I can't help it, but my trend of thoughts have started to become more negative. My imagination has become crueler and continues to haunt my thoughts and dreams and I'm worried that I may not be able to handle it much longer. The smile I have on my face can only be forced so much and even then I worry about letting people see me sad. Perhaps it was how I was raised, or perhaps its just me striving for my views of perfection.

Perfection is such a silly concept. I think about it all the time and I could still never define it for you. It's not the wife, the house, the 2.6 kids, nor the dog. That much I can tell you. Perfection defines itself in the situations each person is led to in life. The ability to overcome, to see ourselves through this path, is how I define my perfection.

I never plan on reaching perfection, nor should anyone, but its one of those thoughts that continues to haunt all of our minds. We strive for it, our parents hope it for us, but in the end it may be the thing that most destroys us.

The other problem with this is there is no such thing as that path. I have always believed in fate, the moments that we can't explain but change our lives for the better or worse. A tiny little moment where a decision was made, where that path is redefined. How can we expect to succeed on a path that doesn't even know its own way?

It's hard when we don't know where that path knows. I want to know where it goes, but the more I think about it the less I want to know. The better word is need. I need to know the next turn on this path, but how can I when not even the path could tell itself. This need is what drives me crazy. I want to know the next step, I want to be able to plan things out, to know what is coming, and brace myself if a wall is about to hit. Life unfortunately doesn't work that way. Instead I just wait for this crash with no hope that fate will twist itself again so I can continue on my way.

I feel when were younger we don't worry about the future. We let our path guide us and learn from it along our way. These twist and turns cause us to begin to question where we are heading. Along with expectations from parents, teachers, friends, and the world we try to question the path, taking blow after blow while we can't see it coming.

Finally I felt as if I reached a point where I didn't worry anymore. Fate had directed me and I was leaping over the walls in my way. Now I worry that once again my mind becomes entangled in where I am headed. The time leading up to a small event in my life, a mere second in my entirety, haunts me. I try to get back to a better place but my leaps now get lower as I begin to trip over these hurdles of life.

My imagination is my favorite skill, but now it seems to be slowly destroying me in a waiting for one moment. It's become my obsession, my muse, my strength, my weakness, my gift, and my curse. All this lives in that one moment, a slight curve of the path of my life, and still in the end I know these thoughts and dreams are about only one thing.

Perfection

2001
- Jimmy Eat World: Bleed American
- Blink 182: Take Off Your Pants & Jacket
- Brand New: Your Favorite Weapon

2002
- Box Car Racer: Box Car Racer
- Eminem: The Eminem Show/8 Mile
- Good Charlotte: Young and the Hopeless
- Jason Mraz: Waiting for My Rocket to Come
- Maroon 5: Songs About Jane
- Simple Plan: No Pads, No Helmets…Just Balls
- Something Corporate: Leaving Through the Window
- 3 Doors Down: Away from the Sun

2003
- The All-American Rejects: The All-American Rejects
- The Ataris: So Long Astoria
- Evanescence: Fallen
- Something Corporate: North/Songs for Silent Movies
- Story of the Year: Page Avenue
- Yellowcard: Ocean Avenue

2004
- Bayside: Sirens and Condolences
- Eminem: Encore
- Jay-Z/Linkin Park: Collision Course
- Relient K: mmhmm
- Simple Plan: Still Not Getting Any…
- Social Code: A year At The Movies

2005
- The Academy Is…: Almost Here
- Amber Pacific: The Possibility and the Promise
- Cartel: Chroma
- City and Colour: Sometimes
- David Mellilo: Talk is Cheap
- Fall Out Boy: From Under The Cork Tree
- Hawthorne Heights: The Silence In Black and White
- Houston Calls: A Collection of Short Stories
- Jack's Mannequin: Everything In Transit
- Panic! At The Disco: A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
- The Starting Line: Based On A True Story
- 30 Seconds To Mars: A Beautiful Lie

2006
- All Time Low: Put Up or Shut Up EP
- Angels & Airwaves: We Don't Need To Whisper
- Cute Is What We Aim For: THe Same Old Blood Rush with A New Touch
- HelloGoodbye: Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinosaurs!
- Hit the Lights: This is A Stick Up…Don't Make it a Murder
- My Chemical Romance: The Black Parade
- New Found Glory: Coming Home
- October Fall: A Season In Hell
- Over It: Step Outside Yourself
- Quietdrive: When All That's Left Is You
- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: Don't You Fake It
- Rise Against: The Sufferer & The Witness
- The Summer Obsession: This is Where You Belong
- Ten Falls Fourth: Excuse Me…I Believe That's My Ride
- Yellowcard: Lights and Sounds
- (+44): When Your Heart Stops Beating

2007
- All Time Low: So Wrong, It's Wright
- Amber Pacific: Truth in Sincerity
- Faber Drive: Seven Second Surgery
- Fall Out Boy: Infinity On High
- Four Year Strong: Rise Or Die Trying
- Jimmy Eat World: Chase This Light
- Mayday Parade: A Lesson In Romantics
- OneRepublic: Dreaming Out Loud
- Paramore: Riot!
- The Rocket Summer: Do You Feel
- Say Anything: In Defense Of the Genre
- The Spill Canvas: No Really, I'm Fine
- Yellowcard: Paper Walls

2008
- The Cab: Whisper War
- Cute Is What We Aim For: Rotation
- Forever The Sickest Kids: Underdog Alma Mater
- Hey Monday: Hold On Tight
- Houston Calls: THe End of An Error
- Jack's Mannequin: The Glass Passenger
- The Offspring: Rise and Fall, Rage And Grace
- Promise of Redemption: When the Flowers Bloom…
- Rise Against: Appeal To Reason
- The Script: The Script
- Story of the Year: The Black Swan
- Trapt: Only Through The Pain
- Valencia: We All Need A Reason To Believe
- 3OH!3: Want

2009
- All Time Low: Nothing Personal
- Cartel: Cycles
- Dashboard Confessional: Alter The Ending
- A Day To Remember: Homesick
- Fireworks: All I Have To Offer Is My Own Confusion
- Holiday Parade: Tickets & Passports
- Mayday Parade: Anywhere But Here
- New Found Glory: Not Without A Fight
- P.O.S.: Never Better
- Quietdrive: Close Your Eyes EP
- Relient K: Forget And Not Slow Down
- Say Anything: Say Anything
- Set Your Goals: This Will Be The Death Of Us
- Silverstein: A Shipwreck in the Sand
- The Swellers: Ups and Downsizing
- 30 Seconds to Mars: This Is War

2010
- American Hi-Fi: Fight The Frequency
- Anberlin: Dark Is The Way, Light Is A Place
- B.o.B: B.o.B Presents: The Adventures of Bobby Ray
- Bruno Mars: Doo-Wops & Hooligans
- A Day To Remember: What Separates Me From You
- Eminem: Recovery
- Four Year Strong: Enemy of the World
- fun.: Aim and Ignite
- Go Radio: Do Overs and Second Chances
- Goo Goo Dolls: Something For The Rest Of Us
- Motion City Soundtrack: My Dinosaur Life
- The Narrative: The Narrative
- The Rocket Summer: Of Men And Angels
- Rufio: Anybody Out There
- Valencia: Dancing With a Ghost
- We Are The In Crowd: Guaranteed To Disagree
- The Wonder Years: The Upsides
- You Me And Everyone We Know: Some Things Don't Wash Out
- You Me At Six: Hold Me Down